Thea Euryphaessa, Founder, Urban Deva

If there’s one thing that tires (read: bores) me more than anything, it’s the press’s mind-numbingly predictable, tittilatingly-sensationalised coverage of all things Tantra related. The words ‘Sting’ and ‘go at it for hours’ spring to mind. You see, when it comes to sex and sensuality we’re a prudish lot. Although we like to think we’re sexually liberated and laid-back, we’re mostly fearful, uptight, and embarrassed when it comes to sexual matters.

We’re also terrified of intimacy. Speaking from my own experience, it never fails to surprise me how insecure and inhibited men also are once they’re undressed and in a sexual situation. I’ve seen penises retreat so far inside bodies I’m surprised they’ve not popped out the other side. Men, it seems, carry as many sexual hang-ups and bodily insecurities as women despite their bravado to the contrary.

You see, no-one teaches us about sex. In fact, no-one even teaches us about our bodies and the intricacies of our intimacies. And so, we stumble and fumble in the darkness beneath the duvet or in candlelight (if we’re feeling adventurous). Although men regularly handle their ‘vajras’ (Tantric term for penis) when they pee, and women may entertain their ‘yonis’ (vagina) with a Rampant Rabbit or, horror of horrors, their fingers if they dare touch themselves ‘down there’, the potentialities of our sexual centres remain a relative mystery.

My interest in Tantra stretches back five years. In fact, it probably reaches all the way back to my early twenties (albeit unconsciously) when Sex and the City first ever aired in the UK. I watched the girls’ every move, eavesdropped on their conversations in an attempt to learn all they knew about sex. Why? Because I already knew something was amiss in my own sex life — I either wasn’t consciously connecting with partners, or was going through well-rehearsed techniques and rote routine. Whatever, sex was a tense, orgasm-focussed, BANG-BANG-BANG event rather than a juicy, sensually erotic opportunity to enjoy the experience in and of itself.

But with sex education limited to a half-arsed book and a biology class on the reproductive system, I was pretty much left to my own devices. And so it continued until early 2007 when a friend emailed me details of a talk being given to a group of women about Tantra by an organisation called Shakti Tantra. Intrigued, I went along. Although my curiosity was piqued, it would be another four years before I finally wound up on one of their ‘Women’s Invitation’ weekend-long courses — last weekend to be exact.

Thea Euryphaessa,
Founder, Urban Deva

Can good sex be taught? – Psychologies Magazine – September 2010

Sex classes are not longer just for those with problems – or exotic tastes.  They can help anyone who wants to make good sex better, and more and more of us are signing up.  Viki Wilson discovers why.

What’s a sex workshop really like?

Nicci Talbot, 35, a women’s health writer (inrudehealth.com), attended a workshop with her partner Matt at Shakti Tantra.

Our sex life had become a little routine, so when a friend recommended a workshop, I persuaded Matt to try it.  I’ve tried sensual massage courses and was less embarrassed about the workshop, but it was out of Matt’s comfort zone to have a private session with just us and the instructors, Sue and Martin.  I did feel nervous for him because I knew he was there on my behalf.

The workshop took place in a light-filled studio covered with cushions, rich colours and sensual art.  Matt was wearing only boxers and I was wearing knickers and a top.  We began with a hugging exercise, designed to help us explore how we liked to be held, before moving onto written exercises where we presented in a positive way what we wanted from our sex life, acknowledged current obstacles, such as too much TV, and agreed to a realistic plan to make changes, including making time for massage.

The most intimate exercise was called Directed Pleasuring – touching and saying how we would like to be touched, which the other person had to follow.  We did this using different props – kissing, massage or using feathers and silk.

What was nice was that Sue and Martin did the exercises with us, which made us less self-conscious and intensified the session; I found it a turn-on to watch a couple who are really into each other.  I could see they were very comfortable with the situation, which was inspiring.  We were a little bit more inhibited, of course.  But it was rewarding and quite arousing to see how they communicate and to watch them touch.  Of course you don’t always have the time or energy to do a massage for two hours a night so we were given some sensual short cuts to try, such as ‘Meetings’ – (* see below), an effective way to stay connected and keep the energy flowing between the two of us.

The workshop revealed barriers in our sex life that we hadn’t thought were there.  I realised that I find it hard to ask for what I want in bed.  I tend to put Matt’s needs before my own, and this makes me feel frustrated, which build up to cause tension.  If I know that he doesn’t enjoy doing something, like kissing for example, then it’s hard for me to ask for it and relax and enjoy the experience.

We’ve made practical changes since the workshop, such as fewer evenings spent working and more time relaxing together, but we’ve also started doing more physical things together, such as running, walking and going horse riding.  The exhilaration and closeness that come from these activities transfer to our sex life.

A workshop is a great way to invest in your relationship and explore it.  We do courses for our career but don’t think about investing in our sex lives, or in each other the same way.

* Meetings – after a day apart, simply greet each other with eye contact and a hug.  It’s a small daily ritual that connects you physically and emotionally.

An Introduction to Tantra

The earliest record of Tantra was around 6 thousand years ago in India…..It is documented in the book “The Vijanabhairava” or Divine Consciousness, which is the story of Shakti [female quality or principle, sometimes called yin] inviting Shiva[ male quality or principle, sometimes called yang] to tell her the way of the world……….Of course she already knew all this, but Shiva was lying around lazily complete in himself.

For the benefit of us poor mortals she invited him to speak and share his wisdom creating the “The Vijanabhairava”, but not only that ……the two together created a whole, Shiva being consciousness, Shakti being energy, meaning the marriage of male and female within, which in turn allows the sacred experience to manifest…….the book “Zen Flesh Zen Bones” is a precis of the aforementioned scripture.

Tantra is a difficult concept for the highly trained intellectual mind because it’s more to do with feeling than doing. We are taught to be clever, think a lot about life, what it means and how to obtain and perform. What this approach doesn’t do, is to teach us to really live life, to feel,to make our choices from our own inner knowing of what is good for us.

Tantra invites vibrant aliveness from inside, not from our heads but from a totality in the body, emotionally rich and authentic in our expression. Tantra came into being as a spiritual discipline for the lay people, householders [married people]……who became increasingly fed up with the concept that the only ones able to celebrate the sacred path were the celibates……..the nuns or monks etc.

Although it was a strong spiritual discipline in the east, and now in the west, it is still a discipline but a lot of the emphasis is on the healing aspect of our sexual energy, the many issues around abuse, shame, sexual health and all the violence that is born of ignorance. Tantra is ‘The Tao’ [the way] that honors the body as sacred, celebrates the senses and allows pleasure and nurture as a way of life……..It teaches us how to relax, to choose to live totally and as intensely as we wish to. Tantra teaches us to trust ourselves, trust our inner guidance and judgments in our way of living, choosing and creating our lives with awareness.

Much has been written about Tantra and sex, it is most commonly thought that this is all…….in actual fact the Tantric path is about consciousness, sex is only one manifestation of our unique expression of life……love is another…..we have many expressions of living and at each point of meeting we can choose to be total in consciousness and awareness…….it is a skill, a discipline, invited by the model of Tantra ……The byproduct of all this, is that we can live a life with more intensity, more sustainable sexual pleasure and much deeper connected relationships.

Tantra is a non dualistic, a non prescriptive model, not making any demands on sexual orientation……..you can be with one partner or many, the choice is yours, it is leading a life of transcending all differences. Living life in awe, wonder, love and with the innocence of a child with the adult perspective, the miracle of our bodies and senses, being participants of our lives rather than spectators.

Hilly Spenceley

Our first ‘The Rose and The Thorn‘ workshop from Shakti Tantra proved a tremendous success and was completely full with a waiting list of people wanting to attend the workshop.

It incorporated teaching into the different aspects of BDSM and provided plenty of time to experience these aspects in a safe and nurturing way.

Some of the quotes we received were:

‘The most important thing for me was the safety in the group, allowing me to experiment in a way I would not thought possible‘

‘This workshop showed me that if you apply the Tantra priciple, that all actions come from the heart, the BDSM world has nothing to fear – best Tantra workshop I have been on’

‘The weekend was a very deep and profound experience. I feel changed, lighter, more in my body and more accepting of myself. I also touched a space of stillness and clarity which I am still feeling now. Thank you’.

Disability: Sex, relationships and pleasure

Shakti Tantra had significant presence at a recent Conference that was held at the Royal Society of Medicine, London.  It was organised by Tuppy Owens of SHADA and the aim was to educate, inform and inspire health professionals about the importance of recognising and supporting the sexual needs of people with disabilities.

Sue provided a demonstration of a multi-sensory experience that she has developed with Dominic who is a tetraplegic and shared examples of how she has worked with people with disability.   It was fantastic to have the opportunity to explain how some of the principles of tantra can be applied and how they are so relevant to different groups of people.

The demonstration received very positive feedback including that some people were actually moved to tears!  If you want to see more, please see the following articles:-

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article6912760.ece

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article5716226.ece

Would you like to talk about sex without guilt, shame and embarrassment?

Are there questions you would like to ask about sex but have been too self conscious to ask?

Sexperts Hilly Spenceley and Colin Lambert invite you to join them for an informal evening of light-hearted, educational, informative discussion and questions and answers on the subject of sex. The evening will start with a 30 minute talk about the history of sex and after a short break, the audience will be invited to submit anonymous questions. Hilly & Colin will answer these questions in a sensitive manner providing practical advice and information.

If you have an established group and would like to run a Lets Talk About Sex evening with them, please contact us on 07968 665729 or e-mail info@shaktitantra.co.uk

BDSM is an acronym that covers three distinct areas: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sado- masochism. BDSM is one of many aspects of sexuality and although in the past has been veiled in mystery and fear, in recent years, it has become more widely known and many of the play instruments of BDSM (paddles, crops, handcuffs) are now readily available in High Street sex shops, and have created a more mainstream subset which is quite often known as tie and tease. However, for the general public and the mass media, it is still seen as being ‘kinky’ sex and is quite often portrayed as in a Carry On film.

Under the general umbrella of BDSM, many subsets of human behavior are played out, including punishment, verbal abuse, sexual role playing, dressing up, tying up and many more, but in essence, BDSM is all about the expression and use of power in relationship.

Relationship in its widest context (including personal, sexual, working, family) is the playing field on which power is expressed, used and in certain circumstances abused. BDSM brings into consciousness many of the unconscious games that are played out in relationship and allows this free expression in a safe, sane and consensual way.

BDSM does not always involve sexual play and in domination/submission activities, it may not include any physical connection at all. From the outside, BDSM can appear to be sexual abuse, violent or coercive, but in reality, when played with consciousness and agreement, it is a safe, sane arena for play. However, one potential problem that can occur with BDSM is where the person gets stuck in this one aspect of sexuality and is only able to express themselves sexually within BDSM play (in essence BDSM becomes a true fetish).

Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterised by the fact that the participants usually take on complementary, but unequal, roles. Typically, participants who are active ‘applying the activity or exercising control over others’ are known as tops or dominants and those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners, are typically known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals will tend to have a greater energy for one role although some will happily switch roles and it is generally good to experience both.

Martin Hellawell

In the context of BDSM, bondage involves people being tied up or otherwise restrained for pleasure. Bondage is usually, but not always, a sexual practice and can involve many different items of constraint. In this regard, a whole sub-culture exists particularly around rope tying which in its purest form becomes an art form in its own right.

The inclusion of bondage in the sex lives of ordinary people (tie and tease) almost exclusively constitutes foreplay as a way of adding a spark to a sexual relationship, where one partner is voluntarily tied-up or put into restraints (i.e. bound / cuffed / spread-eagled / possibly blindfolded etc) by the other, who then sexually pleasures the tied partner using manual masturbation, oral sex, vibrating sex toys or intercourse. In the BDSM scene bondage itself does not necessarily lead to sexual activity.

Bondage can lead into the infliction of pain (Discipline) which can be from mild spanking to more severe forms of punishment. The erotic appeal for the giver is often in the expression having power over another person by making them helpless and this in itself can be visually exciting, especially when seeing another person struggle against the constraints. The tied partner may derive pleasure from being in a largely ‘helpless’ predicament in the hands of a trusted partner, Either way, many established couples find playing bondage games relationship-affirming, as they both require and imply a level of trust between the partners that is not normally found within more casual relationships, as well as being a shared ‘private’ facet of their sex life that many couples prefer to keep just between the two of them.

Discipline is the application of rules and punishment to control behaviour and although it is normally portrayed as physical punishment, this also can include psychological punishment or loss of freedom. It is not generally understood how receiving pain can lead to pleasure, but from purely a physical point of view, there is a link. When the body receives a painful stimulation, the body reacts by releasing endorphins. They are produced by the body during strenuous exercise, excitement, pain and orgasm and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce a sense of well-being. Endorphins work as ‘natural pain relievers’. The term endorphin rush refers to feelings of exhilaration brought on by pain, danger, or other forms of stress, due to the influence of endorphins. So in itself, there is the link between pain and pleasure.

The act of imparting pain can involve many sensual impressions, and does not need toys and implements (spanking, pinching, biting, scratching) and in particular, the connection between a hand and a bottom (spanking) can be the most erotic form of punishment. The use of toys and implements can include simple household objects (pegs, wooden spoons, slippers) to the more elaborate (paddles, crops, whips etc) and moving into the application of a completely different sensation ( wax, ice cubes). The repertoire of possible ‘toys’ is limited only by the imagination of both partners.

A successful bondage and discipline session will be dependant on the competence and experience of the giver and the physical and mental state of the receiver at the time of the session. Trust and sexual arousal help the partners enter a shared mindset with the receiver potentially experiencing an altered state of mind known as ‘sub space’ which can leave a lasting impression.

Martin Hellawell

For personal sessions of erotic bondage please see our ‘private’ page

This is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of dominance of one individual over another in a sexual or lifestyle context. It is sometimes referred to as master or mistress/slave.

In Domination and Submission (DS), there is pleasure (which may be erotic) in either dominating another person or being dominated. In the broader sense, DS has been a continuing theme in human nature and in almost every culture, over time there are examples of DS at work as part of the very fabric of society. This is true of the current day as well as of history.

The play of DS in a relationship is virtually limitless and the activities take many forms. These may include:

• sexual slavery
• verbal humiliation
• cross dressing
• de-humanisation (pony play, dog play)
• domestic servitude or consensual slavery
• cuckoldry
• humiliating acts (foot worship) etc

Some DS relationships are sexual, others completely chaste and may be acted out over the telephone, by e-mail etc. In some DS relationships a partner only submits occasionally perhaps for an evening or the duration of a party, whereas in other relationships, there may be an ongoing contract to the point where it becomes continuous ’24/7′.
Fantasy role play can also be a part, with partners taking classic DS, or classic authority figure roles such as teacher/student, police officer/suspect, priest/acolyte or parent/child.

Martin Hellawell

The line between the giving and receiving of Discipline and Sado-Masochism (SM) is not clear and will vary based on an individuals view point (what for one is a sexual act of caning for another would be an act of brutality).

In its broadest sense, the difference is one of consent. Whereas in Bondage and Discipline, the use of trust and safe practices (safe words etc) is paramount, for the sadist, the pleasure in causing pain does not depend on the consent of the ‘victim’, indeed, a lack of consent may be a requisite part of the experience for a true sadist.

Similarly, the true masochist will, normally as a substitute for sexual pleasure, allow themselves to be physically abused, maybe to the point of torture where they relinquish all power to the sadist. In extreme cases, SM can be considered part of a mental disorder, not necessarily as disorders in and of themselves, but only as disorders when associated with other problems such as a personality disorder.

Martin Hellawell